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We woke with Him.

We had the most tired eyes and minds.

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We mustered the energy to grab warm socks and a hot cup of Bell Blend and sat out on our balcony together.

We stared at the sky that is barely visible behind the roof of an overgrown house in our back yard. 

Cody read with his deep, southern, and tired voice “He is not here, He is risen.”

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I felt the lump in my throat and the hot tears welling up as we sat with Jesus and spoke with Him about what we felt and thanked Him for what we had.

I began to tell Him the outpour of my heart

“Because You rose from the dead… fill in the blank.”  The list was long, but I know it wasn’t long enough.

There were so many thoughts, so many moments and blessings that have come to my life, all because He rose. 

All. Day. Long.

The church was bursting at it seams. There wasn’t enough room to seat all that came in Sunday morning. Because He rose. 

We had family lunch, and my nephew was there, healthy and happy, not a soul could tell that he was  in the NICU a mere three months ago all Because He rose. 

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My niece was sassy, hunting eggs, giggling and completely set free from neutropenia all Because He rose. 

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Our family lunch was fun, full of joy and laughter, even though two of our sweetest ones have gone to be with Jesus, Because He rose.

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We have carried on traditions within our family for this specific day, because He rose. 

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(these little beauties are wearing dresses that their great-grandmother hand made for all of us as little girls.  Although taking a pic was a bit of a struggle, the sentiment was present.)

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My husband journeyed almost a full year of marriage with me, full of painfully hard moments and the most enormous joys.  He chose to walk all of them with me, because He rose. 

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*I love our weirdness.*:)

The list could go on for days.

Sunday was a day that struck me on a different level. He rose from the dead and I am set free, but because He rose from the dead, that power lives inside of me!

I’m undone by the grace. I’m navigated by the Spirit.  I’m healed from the inside out and continue to be pursued when my weakness comes against me.

All. Because. He. Rose. From. The. Dead. 

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I am not an interior decorator.

It really is a fact.

I salute all who are, man, what a gift and EXTREME sense of patience.

I feel so overwhelmed by the process of putting things up on my walls, positioning furniture, picking colors. AH! All of it gets to my head.  I second guess every choice that I make until I just simply quit making choices.

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Does it look cute? Do they notice the tacky wall paper that I didn’t have a choice about when agreeing to live in my apt? Does it smell nice? Are people comfortable here?

The list of questions I battle in my mind about my home are endless. I become so obsessed with trying to accommodate what I think others expect my home to look like, instead of making it according to my taste.  In fact, I think my taste buds change for every person that comes over.

But yesterday, help came to the rescue in the form of my sweet, precious, barely five foot tall aunts. These two know me.  If they walked into a room and had to decorate it “La” style (nobody in my family actually calls me Laura Jean), they would knock it out of the park.

They walked into my apartment with a bag full of fun things and sat me down at my kitchen table.  My Aunt, Kathy, started to give me a little pep talk, well at least I viewed it as that. She talked right through my heart without even knowing it.  She said, “When it’s all said and done, fill your home with things you love, things that have meaning to you.”

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We got to work.

I mean, they were at my apartment for hours.  Not a dime spent, just simple rearrangement, hanging items in different places, finding things that hold a deeper purpose and exposing them within my home.

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 Those two women are like mama’s to me. What I love about them is what they see in me that I can’t see within myself. I type these words with misty eyes because of the gratitude I feel for them; they know me. They held me as an infant, probably on their hips when I was a toddler screaming because someone told me “No” (Y’all that was a real season in my life, God bless my parents). They cooked me meals, carted me and my 7 cousins all over town, I know they have prayed for my heart and my future, they support my goals and my dreams, and I love that I get a hug every Sunday morning after church service, the list goes on and on.  I have done life with these two ladies.  We may look like night and day next to each other, but there’s no denying they’re family, and no doubt that they see my gifts better than I can.

We filled my walls and my bookshelves with items that have meaning, a real story behind it. I am pretty sure a story was told for every nail hammered.

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In the whole process I started to feel this notion of how my home can be such a representation of my heart.

How many decisions do I NOT  make because of my fears of not measuring up, my fears of others not liking what I have, or simply my fear of finding out what I am not. If I simply don’t make a decision I never have to find out if I am really not good at something.  So, I stop. I quit.  I don’t pursue.  I let others who know they are good at something pursue their wildest dreams and I stay content being their cheerleader, and not really having a “thing”.

It’s easier right? Never exposing your deepest dreams or gifts, that way nobody will find out who you really are, nobody can shame what you really love, you stay protected, you stay safe.

OR better yet, you never expose yourself to yourself. 

“Better to be a fake somebody than a real nobody.”- Matt Damon

But I wonder, how many things in this world HAVEN’T happened for that exact reason?

That’s a chilling thought. 

I had a professor in college who gave me 57 on a 15 page research paper.  The only notes or corrections made on the paper was this “You could stand to use better vocabulary”, and a 57 in bright red, circled.

So, I doubt.

I doubt my abilities.  I doubt if I really am good at the things that I actually love or if they are just little things I will never be a master of.

But here is what decorating my apartment brought me:

I love writing

I love reading

I love talking (seriously it’s the best)

I love people

I love running

I love coffee

So this morning, the decision to stop obsessing over what others believe I should be and the start to being who I know I was created to be has begun. I have my list of what I love, and I am done being afraid of myself.

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 *for real, my coffee addiction is real, that’s why my husband and I make our own. Buy some Bell Blend today :)*